


Be Brave For You

by wordsarelifealways



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Discussion of mental illness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 21:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11586999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsarelifealways/pseuds/wordsarelifealways
Summary: Isak's fears about becoming schizophrenic like his mother finally come to light.





	Be Brave For You

**Author's Note:**

> anon prompts: "Isak only hears one sentence of someone else's conversation: 'yeah, but schizophrenia is genetic'" and "Isak learns about how schizophrenia runs in families, so he has a chance of developing the disorder later in life. So i just want him to freak out about and Even to be super sweet and comforting and help him calm down"
> 
> I love talking about Isak's mental health and how he views it all, so I was so excited to see these prompts! I'm sorry it took me so long to answer them ♥ in this fic Isak already knows he has a chance of developing schizophrenia because I imagine he did a lot of researching when his mother was diagnosed. schizophrenia is something I have very little experience with, so all info was taken from [here](https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/schizophrenia/about-schizophrenia/#.WXSzTIjyvIU) and [here](https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/schizophrenia/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIuI7-8MGf1QIV67XtCh0uJwGgEAAYASAAEgLis_D_BwE)

Even had no idea why Isak had gone white as a ghost and practically _ran_ out of the café, but he was rushing after him anyway.  His shift had almost been over anyway; no one was going to notice him leaving three minutes early.

He hoped.

“Isak, Isak, hey!” Even managed to catch Isak’s wrist and pull him back, but his face fell when he saw the state Isak was in.  His chest was rising and falling faster than could possibly be comfortable, and his panicked eyes were brimming with tears.

“Baby, what happened?” Even pulled Isak closer to him until Isak’s back was pressed against his chest.  “Here, breathe with me.” Even whispered in Isak’s ear as he splayed a hand lightly over Isak’s chest.  He kept his breathing slow and steady and even in Isak’s ear, feeling Isak’s heart hammering painfully under his hand.

It took a few minutes, but slowly Isak’s breathing regulated and he slumped back against Even.

“Let’s get you home.” Even pressed a kiss to Isak’s cold tear-damp cheek and wrapped Isak’s jacket tighter around him before he started guiding Isak down the street.  Thankfully the café wasn’t _that_ far from the flat and they made it home soon enough.

It probably would have been faster if Even had just scooped Isak up and carried him, but he could tell that Isak was feeling embarrassed enough about having a panic attack so publicly.  He wasn’t going to _add_ to that embarrassment by swooping in and carrying him bridal-style through the streets.

They didn’t say anything as they walked, and when they crossed the threshold of their flat Isak seemed in a complete daze.  Taking initiative, Even slowly got Isak out of his outdoor clothes and into the softest pyjamas they owned.  He threw the duvet back and Isak – showing the first signs of being present since they left the café – walked over to the bed and crumpled onto the mattress.

Even pulled the duvet over him and stroked his curls gently.  He was just about to turn to go make Isak some tea when Isak covered his hand with his own.

“Don’t go.” Isak’s voice broke, which in turn broke _Even’s_ heart.

“I was going to make you some tea?  Warm you up a bit?” Even rubbed up and down Isak’s arm through the duvet to emphasise how cold Isak was.

“Stay.” Isak shook his head.  He looked so exhausted; how could Even deny him _anything_ when he looked like he’d just been put through a wringer?

“Okay, baby.” Even nodded.  He shed his uniform quickly, trading it for some warm sweats and a hoodie, and got into bed with Isak even though it was barely 1830.  Isak immediately shuffled his worn out body closer to Even.  He tucked his head safely against Even’s neck and threw his leg over Even’s lap, giving himself good leverage to snuggle as close as possible.  Once Isak got settled, Even wrapped an arm around Isak’s waist and used his free hand to slowly scrape through Isak’s hair in the way he liked.

“What happened, baby?  One second you were there and then you were gone.” Even murmured, not wanting to speak any louder and burst the bubble they were in.

“Those girls were talking.” Isak sounded so exhausted.  Part of Even thought that maybe he should just let Isak sleep, but Isak had genuinely scared him bolting like that.

“About…you?  About us?” Even hedged.  Isak just about managed to shake his head.

“No, no.  They were…doing homework, or something.” Isak sighed, sounding more and more tired with every word.

“Homework.” Even repeated.

“They were talking ’bout…schizophrenia.” Isak mumbled, nuzzling against Even’s neck sleepily.

“Oh, angel.” It was Even’s turn to sigh, dipping his head and kissing Isak’s forehead.  He watched as Isak’s eyes fluttered closed.  “Your mum’s been doing really well lately, though.  That’s good, right?  We had that nice lunch the other week.” Even rubbed Isak’s back comfortingly.

“Mhmm.” Isak nodded tiredly.  “Those girls…they were talking about how- how it’s genetic.” Isak broke off to yawn, but Even couldn’t have felt less tired.

“Oh, Is…” He wasn’t sure what to say.  He had a lot of thoughts about it for sure; unfortunately they were getting all tangled together in one big mess in his head, which helped no one.

Isak took the pressure off his hands, though, by promptly falling asleep with his face in Even’s neck.

***

When Isak woke up he felt like someone had attached a dozen concrete bricks to his body.  He felt heavy and groggy and all in all like complete shit.  He had no idea how long he’d slept for, but the flat was dark around him.

Even was warm and solid and oh so reassuring under him, so Isak wiggled closer.

“You’re alive.” Even joked, his voice husky from lack of use.  Damn if that voice didn’t do things to Isak.  If he didn’t feel like he’d been run over by a monster truck he might have rolled onto Even’s lap and kissed him senseless.

“Barely.” Isak groaned.  His head was pounding and his chest ached and his eyes felt scratchy from the tears he’d most likely cried during his delightful venture with public hyperventilating.

“I’m gonna make some toasties and we’re going to talk.” Even promised.  Isak nodded in agreement, and a tired smile pulled at his lips when he felt Even dot kisses all over his face.  While Even disappeared to the kitchen and clattered around making toasties, Isak went to work on the tedious task of raising his deadweight body into a sitting up position.

It took longer than he will ever admit.

The main thing is that he was sat upright by the time Even came back with two cheese toasties and a glass of water.  They sat close together, their knees brushing, and ate quietly.  Admittedly Isak felt better after he ate and drained his entire glass of water, but he still wasn’t sure if he felt ready to delve back into the matter of his spectacular public meltdown.

He thinks he might have started explaining it to Even before he fell asleep, but he isn’t sure.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t feel ready.” Even said, as if he could read Isak’s mind.  It was more likely that he could read Isak’s body language, but the romantic in Isak liked to think that Even could read his mind.

“No, it’s something we should talk about.” Isak shook his head.  He wished he could shake the heavy feeling from his heart too.

Even took Isak’s hands in his, giving him his full attention.

“You know my mum’s schizophrenic.” Isak began.  Even nodded.  “She would see things and hear things that weren’t there, and when it got really bad she’d accuse my dad of trying to control her.  Like he was inside her head or something.  She’d sleep for days, and when she woke up she’d be delirious.  She’d shout about whatever delusion she was having, but she was always trying to _warn_ us.” Isak’s voice cracked, but he was determined to keep going.

“It was so fucking hard to understand her, because her words came out wrong, y’know?  She’d be shouting and making all these gestures but none of us could understand.  She’d be shouting and screaming and crying, and me and dad just had to try to stop her hurting herself.” Isak wiped at his eyes roughly.

“That’s genetic, Even.  Research shows that you’re more likely to develop psychosis if one of your _parents_ has it.  They think there might be a gene that makes you more susceptible to it.  For some people it doesn’t even manifest until they’re in their _thirties_ ; there’s still a chance it could happen to me.” Isak was shaking now, so violently that his hand actually jerked out of Even’s grip.

“I’ll be there the whole time, Isak.” Even pulled him closer, cupping Isak’s face easily in his hands.  “Is, look at me.” Even held Isak’s face until Isak finally brought his gaze up from his lap and showed Even his teary hazel eyes.

“If you do have the gene, if it turns out you do have schizophrenia like your mum, we can deal with it together.  It isn’t going to be like your mum, who was alone.  I know she had you, but you were just a kid.  Your dad could have done more; for your mum _and_ for you.  There are people out there who are trained to help us, Isak.  People who train for _years_ to work with mentally ill people and help us.” Even sounded so sure, so _confident_ , that they could handle it together.

“This is such a dick question, but…have you ever been on the other side of having an episode?” Isak cringed at his own wording.  Even winced as well.

“No, but I know how it feels to feel completely out of control of your brain.” Even replied.

“I know you do.” Isak played with Even’s fingers nervously.  “This would be different though.” Isak swallowed.  “I’d be- be seeing things that weren’t there.  I might hear voices.  I might even get violent.” Isak couldn’t even look Even in the face as he said it.

“You’re not a violent person, Is.  Not for the most part.  A diagnosis won’t change that.” Even squeezed his hands reassuringly.

“No, but hallucinations might!  _Delusions_ might!” Isak wrenched himself away from Even in frustration.  Why couldn’t Even _understand_?

“Have you ever watched someone you love scream at things you can’t see?  Or claw at their ears to try to get the voices out of their brain?  Have you ever listened to someone you love cry and cry and _cry_ because of something you can’t do _anything_ about because it isn’t real outside of their head?  Have you ever had to restrain someone while they try to fight something that isn’t there?  Or tried to calm them down and tell them that it isn’t real, even though they’re _so_ fucking afraid?” Isak’s chest was heaving and he could feel the tears stinging in his eyes again.

“I can’t- I can’t- I-” Isak’s words stuttered with his breathing, and Even was right there.  He positioned himself in front of Isak and pulled Isak’s hand up to his chest and counted slow and even until Isak could breathe again.

“I- I can’t do that to you.” Isak choked, the tears trickling down his cheeks.  “I’ve been there, I was there for _so_ long, I can’t make you watch me lose my mind.” Isak shook his head frantically.  He could viscerally remember how afraid he had been during each and every bad episode his mother had had.  He couldn’t justify inflicting that upon anyone else.

Especially not Even.

“You watch me lose my mind all the time, Is.” Even pointed out.  “You think it’s easy for me, knowing that you’re still level when I’m high as a kite or crashed out?  Or that more often than not it’s you and my parents picking up the pieces?”

Isak shook his head mutely.  He couldn’t even remember what point he had been trying to make.  He felt so _deflated_ now.

“You already know that, though.” Even frowned at him like he was a puzzle that needed to be put together.  “What is it you’re really worried about, Is?”

Fuck.

How did Even know him so fucking well?

“She was so afraid.” Isak’s heart clenched painfully at the memories.  “I spent so long being afraid; I’ve only just started getting over it.  I don’t want to be scared again.” And then he was crying.

Real, painful sobs that felt like they were being pulled from the depths of his soul or wrenched out of his bones.

He felt like he was going to shake apart.  It hurt to breathe.

And then there was Even.

Warm, solid, dependable Even wrapping his arms around Isak and letting Isak sob into his shoulder.  Even’s hand felt so steady where it was cupping the back of Isak’s head, and Isak wished desperately that that would be enough to keep his mind from falling apart.

“Being afraid of being afraid, very Harry Potter of you.” Even teased gently as he rocked Isak slowly from side to side, like an infant needing to be soothed.

It just made Isak cry harder.

“It’s okay to be scared, Isak.” Even whispered into his hair.  “I’ll be brave for you if the monsters come.” He promised.

It wasn’t much, but it was enough for Isak.

To know that Even would still be there if he crumbled was more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, you can find me over on [tumblr](http://isaksredscarf.tumblr.com)


End file.
